Has it been so long? alone by myself, everyday. since that day... I lay here. I am alone, I am exhausted... I am bored, I am tired, and am wilting...

My soul is sorrowful, deep and drowning.. I can feel myself dying on the inside.. without someone to hold me my heart... it is crumbling.. and I recieve no smiles... no hello's... no one tells me good things. I have went 4 weeks without a phone call from anyone... no one calls. when I call no one answers
if I leave messages no one replies. No one even knows I exist here in this apartment by myself. for the past 6 months witht he exception of a handful of days I know it is no more than 10. I have been here alone
how many days in 6 months.. 6 x 30 ? that is good average.. for days in a month. so... I have spent 180 days now and only 3 of those days have I recieved a hug or anyone close to me.. 3 days...
3 days... 177 days of emptyness... of no smiles... 177 days I have ate at the same restuarant, ate the same food, .... 179 days I have went to bed alone... with no one to comfort me or hold me
....

I am truly forsaken, is this my punishment for being so flawed? am I so hideous that no one will grant me a simple kindness...

even a dog is petted or has its belly rubbed or recieves some sort of affection... am I to recieve less privelege... less affection than even a dog.. am I less than a dog? am I but so low so vile, and hideous, and horrible that no one will show mercy on my beaten and battered soul... how many more days will I live in this hell? how many more days will I be alone
how many more days until I am held once again? how many more days till someone grants me a merciful moment to ease my eternal suffering, isolation and lonelyness... how many days till someone grants me the simple kindness of a hug.. or a smile
should I beg for 1,000 days before I will be greeted? should I beg for 10,000 days before I am to be smiled upon, should I beg 100,000 days before I am held in someones arms... do I even have that many days before I reach my last dying breath... before my soul wilts and I die from a broken heart...

I can feel the loneliness seep into my veins, and the isolation leeching the life from me... my motivation and will are slipping from my grasp... I can feel myself sink deeper into this everlasting sorrow, I can only cry and weep, cry and weep, cry and weep, for there is nothing I can do, and I am not even worthy, deserving or forunate enough to be given the simple acts of kindness others are given every day...

god save me, have mercy on me... someone save me... I just want to be held, I just want someone to give me something to look foward to each day.. just one hour once a week that is all I ask... to be held for someone to encourage me to make it through another week... just one hour of being held... please... please I beg in utter humiliation of my pathetic state that I will be shown pitty, and that someone will hold me even if just once more before I grow old and die of old age. how many more days will I suffer alone?